Can we restart please? Can the person closest to the reset button kindly press it? What the hell?! This year hasn’t even entered the first quarter and we are on the verge of a zombie apocalypse (at least that’s what it feels like). With the western world calling a code red, you can expect our country to be very far behind in doing the same and with Lagos being well…… Lagos, you’re sure to get a new genre of madness.
I took a trip to the island and for a Wednesday, it really felt like a Friday. There was traffic EVERYWHERE!! This was last week by the way. Even if you try to hide it will come and meet you. I got on a bus from Festac to CMS and when we were getting to Orile the driver decided to “be smart” and pass through Ajegunle/Apapa.
You see this Lagos; it is the perfect example of “everybody is going through shit”. Omo the go-slow tie wrapper 5 yards. We were crawling through hot, steamy filth and the whole time this Igbo man behind me was on the phone negotiating loudly with his dealer for building materials……seriously though this niqqa was on the phone till we got to Marina. I could already envision the house he was going for. The lady sitting right in front of me had just done her braids and she smelled strongly of Soul Mate hair cream. It was interesting to see the many ways Lagosians were “protecting” themselves from the corona virus. I saw children running through the dirty streets wearing nothing but face masks and gloves, there was a woman selling food whose gloves looked like they would become a living organism if she wore them a minute longer and all sorts of “facemasks”. It was like one big MET gala and nobody was getting the theme right.
I finished what I was doing pretty early and I was not quite ready to go home so I decided to take a little trip to Yaba. (Uzoma I can hear you judging me). The market boys really didn’t care about the corona virus crisis. They were touching people recklessly and it was mostly girls as usual who the targets were. One girl was going off at one of the market women for touching her while her friend was trying to calm her down……
One market boy tried to grab a lady by the arm and she deadass sprayed him with what looked like a can of insecticide
The journey home took an interesting twist. The bus I entered to Cele from Yaba was like a slave ship; I was sitting like all those diagrams of unborn babies. The man directly in front of me kept spitting out the window and I’m sure his inner- whatever it is he has inside- told him to stop but you know sometimes the thrill of seeing just how much spit the wind can carry away gets in the way of your reasoning; that’s how he spat and it landed on somebody’s windshield. It was a black Mercedes Benz C-class SLS AMG (I don’t know jack about cars don’t bite me. I had to ask my friend who’s a car freak for a vague answer just so you can get a better picture of how much shit this egungun had gotten himself in). We were in a gridlock so there was kuku nowhere to run.
The driver of the car got out and yo, as soon as I saw her, I knew I was going to witness one of the hottest slaps of 2020. As she approached the bus people were already saying “madam abeg madam please” but nah. She slapped this man so hard his OS had to restart. The driver was laughing his ass off at the man and quite frankly, so was I because why would you just….
The rest of the journey was filled with people telling the man sorry and advising him to be careful next time. The driver however was cracking me up “you just siddon dey spit untop Benz; BENZ!! ……For this corona times……. abi you carry belle?” He did not stop; the whole time he kept shouting CORONA at random people on the street. I’m just glad I made it home without anyone spitting at me because hmm…….
We hope y’all are staying safe. This lockdown will have some of us texting people we aren’t supposed to be texting lol. What are some of the things you’ve seen on the streets? Leave a comment we’d like to know….