“Who mess for here now?”
Even though it might seem like I have the worst experiences , I’m sure we all have had some very awkward moments happen to us in public transport. Some of these might scar you for life, strengthen your resolve, or make you a mad person.
Not gonna lie, I’ve had some weird experiences I’m still contemplating to share cause…hm. May God grant me the courage. Let me not talk too much and drive straight into it. Some of the awkward moments I’ve experienced are:
1. Farting: this one takes many forms. Sometimes you think it’s going to be silent and it comes out loud, other times you think it’ll be gentle but it smells too bad and you’re left hoping that no one in the bus will curse you. Have you ever wondered if the reason why you’re not progressing is because someone cursed you one day after you farted? These are random things that go through my mind especially after the guy sitting beside me just released something terrible. He’s looking around and everyone is unlooking but I’m just staring at him like…
2. Change collection: you know when the conductor is owing a lot of people change in the bus and everyone is trying to get their change. Then the conductor gives someone change and you rush to collect it as a sharp guy, only for the money to be battered and bruised and you’ll look stupid returning it. Also, have you had the driver, drive off with your change? These days, I don’t disembark till I get my money.
3. Spat on by sellers/preachers: this is actually a common occurrence. Once I see that a passenger looks like he/she wants to sell or preach, I pick the seat farthest from them as possible. But the thing is, they hardly ever make their intentions known till the bus starts moving. Reminds me of the day I was trying to compose a work email in the bus and the next thing I heard was “PRAIISE THE LORD” behind me with hot spit landing on my neck. In these COVID times.
4. First time you had to say “Owa!”(stop): I remember when i started entering public transport by myself. I always targeted the front seat beside the driver, or the door seat beside the conductor so I could just tap them and tell them to stop cause I was feeling insecure about shouting “owa!!” in public. This worked for a while until one day when it was raining and I had to quickly enter a bus only to find out that the backseat was the only available seat. Imagine the rain being the least of my worries at that point. We were approaching the bus stop and I asked the passengers to help me call the conductor but before he could answer, I was already past my bus stop but I could not complain. So, I had to walk back under the rain just because i was shy. Since that day, I scrimmmmm.
5. Feeling Lost: poverty isn’t good. Going to a place for the first time would be easier if we all used Uber, but we have to settle for public transport that can be tricky. From bus stops having similar names, to nonchalant conductors, to the person that you’re visiting not able to give comprehensive picking your calls, even to a passenger sitting beside you that acts like he knows where you’re going, but doesn’t, and you end up stopping far from your bus stop. Sometimes, when you have no idea about how far your destination is, you keep asking if you’re on the right track. Remember when I almost went to Ibadan? I wrote about it here. So, for you people that go for interstate fornication, I respect you.
6. Can’t find your transport money: I think this is one of the worst things that can happen to you. Imagine conductor asks you for change and you search for your fare and can’t find it. First of all, he won’t belive you, no matter how well you are dressed… he’ll probably conclude that you’re one of those corporate beggars at Ojota. In fact, he doesn’t care and will probably start shouting at you. Now you’re hoping one passenger will offer to pay for you or that the conductor has POS.
7. Waiting for the perfect seat till the bus gets full: some of us have our favorite…can you really have a favorite danfo seat? Well some of us have our preferred seat in a danfo and sometimes, we are willing to wait till the bus gets almost full just to sit there, especially the door seat. But sometimes, we might end up waiting till one family, or a group of people enter at once and occupy everywhere. Now, no one cares if you came first cause they want the bus to start moving and you’ll be left standing like a mumu while the bus drives off. A worse scenario is when the bus isn’t even full, but someone takes your seat and adjusts so that others can pass through.
8. Traffic lessens after you come down to trek: I have been a victim of this many times. This is because I hate traffic so much, I come down at the slightest inconvenience, especially when I’m not too far from my bus stop. I’ll rush to disembark, only for the traffic to ease up and my bus zooms past my trekking self. Sometimes I walk really fast just so that I arrive at the bus stop same time as them. Trek of Shame.
9. Sitting beside an uncultured eater: the way some people wat, you wonder if they were breastfed their entire lives. Some of them will buy fruits and spit the seeds on the floor and some will drop on your legs, others will buy plantain chips and the entire bus will sound like someone is grinding gravel. I remember when I was on my way to Orile and the woman beside me brought out amala and ewedu. First or all, why would you eat a messy food in the bus? At that time I was even more concerned with how she’d wash her hands. She didn’t wash before starting. One time, during the journey of the amala from the plate to her mouth, one breeze blew and I got ewedu on my shirt. Turned to complain and this woman was starting at me like…
There is definitely going to be a part 2. Had so much fun writing this 🤣
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